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Every night out here in the wastes of human civilization is a bad one, without a doubt. Tonight has been one of the worst, though. I lost my best friend Jim when about fifteen of the walking dead came across the house we were holed up in for the night. Jim woke me up right when they all sensed us somehow, and started clawing at the doors and breaking windows. We had to fight. At the end of it I was lucky, and Jim wasn’t. He lay on the ground with red viscera pumping out of him and three crushed undead dudes in zombie t-shirts around him.
When I noticed that Jim was really hurt, and most definitely infected, time seemed to slur into a drunken crawl. My buddy was dead and here were three of these unliving monsters were wearing zombie shirts. It struck me at how odd it all was that right before the end of all things, people were going media-nuts for the very thing that would end them.
I could just imagine these three dudes in zombie tees were all hanging out at their apartment, watching a marathon of zombie flicks, and eating chips when the first outbreaks started happening. Were they excited that they would see an actual, moving corpse…or where they just as scared as I was?
It was then that Jim made a noise and moved. I was afraid he had turned over to one of them, but he started talking as I was raising my old wood axe over my head to end it. I stopped in my tracks when I heard him chuckling. Blood was in his mouth, so he sounded weird when he said, “Can you even freaking fathom these idiots wearing zombie tee shirts while they were getting chewed on by zombies?” Despite the severity of the situation, he made me laugh.
We had always promised not to let each other turn over into one of those dumb flesh-eaters if we could help it, and I fulfilled my promise to him as best I could. It was awful to see him go like that, but I guess we’re all destined to die horribly these days. I’m alone now, and being alone just means that you’re even closer to that destiny than before. I just hope that when they do come for me, they won’t be wearing zombie tees.
Let’s start this whole Offensive Funny T-Shirts Blog off with a bang, shall we? There are two things that will push people’s buttons harder than anything else in the world, and those things are religion and politics. We’ll talk about the second in later blogs, because this shirt is all about offending the religious. Not just religious people, but Christians in particular.
I am not a Christian in any sense of the word. I am not agnostic, I am not Muslim, and I am not Buddhist. If I were forced to categorize myself, I would have to say that I am absolutely nothing, and that is exactly how I would like to keep it. Christianity means nothing to me, and neither do the people who waste their time worshiping it.
There is an infographic floating about out there that depicts symbols of the world’s major religions, each of them being thrown into a waste basket. The caption reads, “Grown Ups Should Not Play With Imaginary Friends.” That image came to me long after I had made my decision that we are all just sacks of super-evolved meat and that there is simply nothing waiting for us after death. Still, the image carried a lot of significance for me and I adhere to it strongly.
This is why funny t-shirts like these really tickle the hell out of me. To me, Jesus is nothing more than a guy who was needlessly tortured and killed some 2000 years ago. That is very tragic, but I can honestly say I never met the guy and there are much worse atrocities happening all over the world right now…so I tend not to waste a lot of thought on people who died 2000 years ago. Christians, however, revere this dead guy as a deity…which means we have entirely different sets of priorities.
When I see a shirt like this, it makes me laugh ONLY because of the importance people put in this figure. To me, it makes fun of a commonly-used saying very well. Christians are constantly touting that “Jesus is coming soon.” Well, if you love and respect the guy…the least you can do is open your mouth and swallow. Cheers!