I don’t think there is a person reading this who wouldn’t agree with me when I say that Saint Patrick’s Day is an awesomely fun holiday. You get to dress up in great Irish tees, party like a rock star, and have fun with your friends. I love St. Patrick’s Day a lot, but one year in the not-so-distant past that love cost me a lot.
To be more direct, my love of great Irish shirts was the reason I missed out on a long and wonderful relationship with a beautiful woman. Well, I can’t know that for certain…but that’s what I imagine in my head. This woman is stunningly attractive with long brown hair and dark eyes that will swallow you whole. As the wise men known as Hall and Oates once said: She’s a man eater. I saw her nearly daily on our ride up to our offices in the morning.
There are times when being drowsy and not in your right head will work totally in your favor. There are times when the girl you want to date steps into an elevator with you and you think in your head that you would like to date her, and your mouth opens up and you say something ridiculous like, “I sure would like to date you.” Yeah, I asked her out by accident. Maybe she was sleepy too, because she totally said yes without hesitation.
Here’s where things start getting a little dicey. On the day of our date, I went into work and got pinched almost immediately for not wearing green. It seems that I was so preoccupied with my date that I forgot that my favorite holiday was on the same day. I had to do something to fix this situation, because there was no way I was missing Saint Patrick’s Day.
I have to warn you that I am a complete moron, so please refrain from emailing me and telling me so. I tell myself all the time. Saying that, here’s my imperfect plan to celebrate the greatness of St. Patrick’s Day and the wonders of a new date. I figured in my very weak brain that I could possibly do both. The way I planned on accomplishing this feat would be to get ready in my awesome Irish tees before the date, so I would be ready to go right to the bar after dinner. How could this go wrong?
To my credit, I got to the bar and grill we were meeting at for our date early. I sat there, happily drinking beer and waiting for this beautiful woman to come spend some quality time with me. When she showed up and saw me sitting there in a bright green Irish t-shirt and orange pants, she just froze. I smiled and waved and she just turned around and walked right back out the door. I am an idiot, I ate all alone, and I got ridiculously drunk that night.
I love Saint Patrick’s Day. I am Irish descent and celebrating the holiday feels like celebrating my family and everyone who worked so hard to get my family where we are today. Maybe I got a little bit overboard with the insane Irish tee shirts, but that doesn’t mean that it’s frivolous and silly to me. The only thing I regret is that she wouldn’t even get to know the guy behind the green clothes. If she had, she might be throwing on her own Irish-themed apparel and joining me for a night of good times and green beers!
Every night out here in the wastes of human civilization is a bad one, without a doubt. Tonight has been one of the worst, though. I lost my best friend Jim when about fifteen of the walking dead came across the house we were holed up in for the night. Jim woke me up right when they all sensed us somehow, and started clawing at the doors and breaking windows. We had to fight. At the end of it I was lucky, and Jim wasn’t. He lay on the ground with red viscera pumping out of him and three crushed undead dudes in zombie t-shirts around him.
When I noticed that Jim was really hurt, and most definitely infected, time seemed to slur into a drunken crawl. My buddy was dead and here were three of these unliving monsters were wearing zombie shirts. It struck me at how odd it all was that right before the end of all things, people were going media-nuts for the very thing that would end them.
I could just imagine these three dudes in zombie tees were all hanging out at their apartment, watching a marathon of zombie flicks, and eating chips when the first outbreaks started happening. Were they excited that they would see an actual, moving corpse…or where they just as scared as I was?
It was then that Jim made a noise and moved. I was afraid he had turned over to one of them, but he started talking as I was raising my old wood axe over my head to end it. I stopped in my tracks when I heard him chuckling. Blood was in his mouth, so he sounded weird when he said, “Can you even freaking fathom these idiots wearing zombie tee shirts while they were getting chewed on by zombies?” Despite the severity of the situation, he made me laugh.
We had always promised not to let each other turn over into one of those dumb flesh-eaters if we could help it, and I fulfilled my promise to him as best I could. It was awful to see him go like that, but I guess we’re all destined to die horribly these days. I’m alone now, and being alone just means that you’re even closer to that destiny than before. I just hope that when they do come for me, they won’t be wearing zombie tees.
Let’s start this whole Offensive Funny T-Shirts Blog off with a bang, shall we? There are two things that will push people’s buttons harder than anything else in the world, and those things are religion and politics. We’ll talk about the second in later blogs, because this shirt is all about offending the religious. Not just religious people, but Christians in particular.
I am not a Christian in any sense of the word. I am not agnostic, I am not Muslim, and I am not Buddhist. If I were forced to categorize myself, I would have to say that I am absolutely nothing, and that is exactly how I would like to keep it. Christianity means nothing to me, and neither do the people who waste their time worshiping it.
There is an infographic floating about out there that depicts symbols of the world’s major religions, each of them being thrown into a waste basket. The caption reads, “Grown Ups Should Not Play With Imaginary Friends.” That image came to me long after I had made my decision that we are all just sacks of super-evolved meat and that there is simply nothing waiting for us after death. Still, the image carried a lot of significance for me and I adhere to it strongly.
This is why funny t-shirts like these really tickle the hell out of me. To me, Jesus is nothing more than a guy who was needlessly tortured and killed some 2000 years ago. That is very tragic, but I can honestly say I never met the guy and there are much worse atrocities happening all over the world right now…so I tend not to waste a lot of thought on people who died 2000 years ago. Christians, however, revere this dead guy as a deity…which means we have entirely different sets of priorities.
When I see a shirt like this, it makes me laugh ONLY because of the importance people put in this figure. To me, it makes fun of a commonly-used saying very well. Christians are constantly touting that “Jesus is coming soon.” Well, if you love and respect the guy…the least you can do is open your mouth and swallow. Cheers!